1. Nirvana – “Polly”

Innocent minds beware: NOT about a parrot eating a cracker…
Correct Meaning: female rape victim from Tacoma, Washington. The girl, 14, was abducted in 1987 while returning from a punk rock show, and was raped and tortured with razors and a blowtorch by her abductor Gerald Friend

2. R.E.M. “The One I Love”

Innocent minds beware: NOT to be requested for your girlfriend on valentines day
Correct Meaning: Stipe sings “a simple prop to occupy my time”…more appropriately requested for your vibrator on valentines day…

2. The Police – “Every Breath You Take”

Innocent minds beware: slow dancing and wistful tonguing back of school shed…dont mention P Diddy puff paddy whatever
Correct Meaning: state-run stalking…think Orwell…think big Brother…think 1984 *note to self: nice plug

3. Jesus and Mary Chain – “Some Candy Talking”

Innocent minds beware: Ah its Jesus and Mary Chain…itl be about Heroin so
Correct Meaning: officially it may be the only song they have NOT about drugs…hmmm..what were they taking when they wrote that?

4. Lou Reed – “Perfect Day”

Innocent minds beware: NOT to be used as an inappropriate Children in Need cover
Correct Meaning: heroin addiction

5. John Lennon – “Imagine”

Innocent minds beware: its about peace and all the lovely children and daisy chains
Correct Meaning: Communism…….no religion, no possessions, no countries, no war…last stage of Communism my friends…dont believe me? Lennon said of the song “virtually a Communist Manifesto”

interesting fact: inexplicably included on a list of songs banned from the radio following 9/11 attacks…the 2001 Clear Channel memorandum…jesus…“Aeroplane” by The Chillies? yeah I get that..but “Imagine”? cmon

6. Neil Young – “Hey Hey, My My”

Innocent minds beware: hey dude, its better to burn out than fade away man
Correct Meaning: Young was washed out himself at the time…he wasnt being defiant…more observant of his own poor record sales at the time

7. Bob Dylan – “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35″

Innocent minds beware: Dude Dylan sayin “Everybody must get stoned”
Correct Meaning: you can get physically stoned?…as in “ow!” stoned? dude we got to stop smoking this stuff

8. The Kinks – “Lola”

Innocent minds beware: simple love song
Correct Meaning: Transvestite..written by front man Ray Davies about the band’s manager and his drunken late night dancing with a drag queen

9. The Beatles – “Please Please Me”

Innocent minds beware: “Shut up everyone! this is our song!”
Correct Meaning: oral sex

10. Nirvana – “Drain You”

Innocent minds beware: Cobaine wrote it? ah itl be about heroine so
Correct Meaning: actually about a case in which one twin baby stole the nutrients from its twin while in the womb, resulting in one stillbirth…see its easy to get mixed u…eh? cmon Kurt!

bonus to not give a fuck about:

Maroon 5 – “Harder to Breathe”

Innocent minds beware: in fact just beware…this is a fucking awful band
Correct Meaning: what do you expect from Levine and his band of soulless cock merchants…troubled romance? actually inspired by record company pressure to write more singles…fuck off Adam

so i turn my attention to the last decade in music knowing full well it came at a cultural price…common denominator stuffs of dreams we were given…and like the McDonald starved jumpy monkeys that we are…we lapped it up…compromised everywhere…any lick, spit or shred of intellect discouraged…frowned upon….big frowns…lone voices of rebellion…lost in the chasm of the gaping cunt that is simon cowells frown…or the potato face lifting louis walsh…but even they know know no better…thats TV…thats entertainment…surely…thats not music…surely if I propped her up just right I could still get my index finger through Blunts eye?

no…surely I cant vent my anger there….I must go further…wider…the bigger picture….what I found was of no real consequence…what I found was a tiny feces stained wall…and scribed there in handwriting “hey guys, if we throw enough shit against the wall, guess what? it doesnt collapse”…and you know what? it never does…no barrage of shit music will ever bring the whole shit house down…theres plenty of music to sooth the seething rage and caress our collective lobes…plenty…its just that you wont find it in this here blog…here you will find sure signs of the apocalypse…and it aint pretty…..read henceforth into the black hole that is “The Top 10 Worst Songs of the Decade”…..the list is endless to be honest…its just…you gots to compile a list…as was..is now…ever shall be..amen..

…but isnt it fun to list things?
…in top 10 format?
…cmon…were all just McDonald starved jumpy monkies at the end of it…have a gander…

____
1. Paris Hilton – “Stars Are Blind”

…and UB40 were pissed off

____
2. James Blunt – “You’re Beautiful”

never getting on a train with this guy again…

____
3. Tila Tequila – “I Love U”

dont be fooled…G list celebrity Tila, as a rule, only loves herself…and myspace animated GIFs

____
4. Nickelback – “Something In Your Mouth”

yeah there was something in our mouths alright…the steaming shit you pinched off as we listened with bated breath to your unforgivably awful lyrics

____
5. Crazy Frog – “Last Christmas”

bad enough watching George Michael lust after a woman who will never give him a woody no matter how hard she tries but a frog? hes not crazy…hes just fucking stupid

____
6. Mika – “Grace Kelly”

a grown man…trying to act like a child…and sing like Freddie Mercury….fails both anatomically and vocally…but mentally pulls it off nicely

____
7. Thong Song – “Sisqo”

in the the 00s underpants were considered dangerous…the poetry of the street

____
8. The Gummy Bear Song

ok its for children…but still…the cynic in me sees the grown ups who made it…and made it not to see the smiling faces of children…but to see the smiling face of some fuck wit singing off checks to them

____
9. Black Eyed Peas – “My Humps”

expect little else ye of the “Lets Get Retarded” fame…but you know…try…just for a little bit…try to challange us..not with parts of your body but with parts of your mind *note to self: wooh! deep…must jot in self-help book

right…if i keep writing I may become inactive for days……the dirge and drivel may become overpowering…so im off for a bath…and a drink…..im sure ye all can finish this list with myriad an awful number…oh and hey…we gots another new song on way…just got to find a way to birth it…til next we meet dear sirs and madammes

the past decade is awash with the usual company led dreck that the music industry likes to inject us with…daily and anally…the kind of safe drivel your grandmother can tap her arthritis ridden feet to…but the good always prevails…not in the mainstream so much but its there…like my grandmother always said “I cant tap my arthritis ridden feet to Radioheads “Pyramid Song”…to which my reply was always the same “thats because its in 16/8 time Nan…no one can tap their feet to 16/8″

1. TV on the Radio — “Wolf Like Me”

much hype…and sometimes…just sometimes its true

2. The White Stripes — “Seven Nation Army”

even HardFi have covered this well worn song…remeber hardfi?…no?

3. The Strokes — “Last Nite”

ah yes…you know that pattern of guitar strum…it goes down, down, down, down, down, down…blame them not for the myriad shit bands who think this guitar pattern constitutes a style

4. Radiohead — “Pyramid Song”

come on Nan! on yer feet!

5. Alberta Cross – “ATX”

nice find towards end of year…damn fine album too called “Broken Side Of Time”

6. Queens of the Stone Age — “No One Knows”

ah that riff

7. Johnny Cash — “Hurt”

this dint hurt his bank account though *note to self: awful fucking joke..castigate with palm later

8. Arctic Monkeys — “I Bet You Look Good…”

theres that pattern again….

9. Arcade Fire — “Rebellion (Lies)”

nicely done…thought second album was meh

10. Fleet Foxes — “White Winter Hymnal”

and so young…the bastards

so concludes…next will be “Top 10 Worst…” because…you know…we love misery…and there was plenty of that going on

FIRST UP: wed like to thank everyone who purchased their very own Class of 1984 record…we hope ye open with delight and spin endlessly until transparent…we do appreciate yer patronage…we can now finally afford that tire iron to raise our bums up from the ground and prevent bleeding piles…thats rock and roll baby…now heres your daily enema…..and just a reminder we still have some 7 inch left if ye want to get your hands on them…were only doing a limited run and prob wont press again..so get to the shop before midnight dear people

SECOND UP: and before we begin the TOP 10 T-SHIRTS THAT WONT GET YOU LAID…we must announce the arrival of our very own T-Shirts…and yes…these are guaranteed to get you laid…women and men from all states of life will flock to your side and gleefully flick their fingers up and down your brand new 100% cotton, short-sleeved fitted t-shirt featuring we, your faithful Class of 1984, printed on the front…mmmm…i can hear their flicking fingers now upon yer rib cage…brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring….nice…so head to our shop and have a look…we might just afford that other tire iron yet

right so….onto the blog…..TOP 10 T-SHIRTS THAT WONT GET YOU SEX

1.

take 2 girls, 1 cup and….well…you dont need to be deliah smith to figure out the rest

2

ive never met a self confessed midget porn lover…i think hes courageous

3

single mums everywhere aghast at the very cheek

4

yeah we get it…there are your breasts..we must all look and be chastised for doing so etc

5

the proud owner of one testicle

6

you think this t-shirt would be funnier if the line was just below the belly button?…no?…..yeah i dont think the world is ready for that one either

7

isnt that inviting…what time will i pick you up?

8

domestic violence is so early 90s

9

lol…ah no…no..you couldnt get away with that

10

hey tourettes aint something to joke about cunt

and here some t shirt designs that WILL get you sex…guranteed…no questions asked…roll in the hay, bed, alley..wear one of these..anytime, anywhere..guranteed*

*this complete sentance is unture

1. You Shook Me All Night Long – Celine Dion and Anastacia

anyone who follows my blog will know that this song has appeared on more than one list…this is embarrassing stuff…air guitar in heels is wrong…air guitar in anything but your underpants and white socks is wrong….and the idea of celine dion in underpants and white socks might driveyou insane

2. The Girl is Mine – Michael Jackson ft. Paul McCartney

“paul…i think i told ye…I’m a lover not a fighter”….you will shudder

3. Ebony and Ivory - Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney

Saccharin is an artificial sweetener…it has effectively no food energy and is much sweeter than sucrose…it is used to sweeten products such as drinks, candies, medicines, toothpaste and post Beatles McCartney songs

4. 4 Minutes – Madonna and Justin Timberlake

The SS became the core of Nazi terror apparatus, ran the concentration camps and by about 1936 assumed control of the entire terror apparatus….Justin Timberlake has about as much soul as SS officer….lovely Timbaland heartless headache inducing produce…maddonna go away…all involved reflect on your life

5. Dancing in the Street – Mick Jagger and David Bowie

“camera pans up, ok. david, youl be up there hopping around in your baggy leopard skin thingy” mick , you just stay good and wrinkly. wel add some slow mo. the whole thing will be brilliant…jesus…this video was shot in a day and it shows…as for the song…it just doesn’t work….Dancing in the streets after gay sex is declared legal in India btw….bout time

6. Our Lips Are Sealed – Hilary and Haylie Duff

hey? theres a haylie?…i doubt it….theres enough auto tune and pitch bending here to loose momentary bowel control…you cant actual decipher who is singing what…but every now and then you can almost hear there real voices underneath it all saying “your mother sucks cocks in hell”

7. I’ve Got You Under My Skin – Bono and Frank Sinatra

bono should remain under his skin…his foreskin….his great big giant bell bellheaded schlong…a man with an ego that big though i fear may be lacking in that department

8. Cruisin – Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis

Smokey Robinson doesnt have shit on Gwyneth…why didnt she ever sing with her husband…that other dreary drivel headed save the world types?

9. Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat – Opposites Attract

is it possible to sell out to an animated character? is it possible to take this stuff too seriously? “look Jon, its paula abdul and an animated cat for the benefit of MTV. did you really expect anything less?”…breath in….happy place

10. Bjork feat Thom Yorke

I’m sorry dear reader…so repugnant was this blog that i had to disinfect it with at least 1 GOOD DUET…this from Icelandic songstress Bjork and her secret fancy mr Yorke……ah…happy place

on the CO84 front…we are patiently awaiting the arrival of some very special vinyl and shall be dispensing quite soon…got the test prints back from Amsterdam and tis sounding joyous twisted metal…more stuff being printed in London…its geographically complicated what we are doing…but soon we shall have something nice for you to spin on yer turntables of inject into yer ipodricks…soon, soon

1. Bram Stockers – Dracula

like i say a great read…once you can remove the mental image of mr reeves

2. QOTSA – Rated R

4/4 time signature to 15/8 in one simple step

3. Lady Gaga

was recently spotted down the local pub…the Rising Tide….in Glounthane village…true genius knows no bounds…not even the Rising Tide in Glounthane

4. The Beatles – White Album

im not sure why i decided to stray ears so far from the beatles oft visited trove…this my favourite..like being led by a drunk with a higher IQ…

5. Elder Scrolls 4 – Oblivion

social life be damned..im off to Faregyl Inn for some beer

6. Public Enemies

did anyone elese think the high def camera was a bit “bold and the beautiful?”

7. Swine Flu

did anybody ask how they were feeling about the whole thing?…..no

8. Year One

moderately interesting

9. MC5  – Kick Out The Jams

this sowed the seed of punk..and also probably allows us to call ourselves garage rock…whatever that means…fucking ferocious live album

10.Bruno

the biggest Austrian celebrity since Hitler

1. All Along The Watchtower – Jimi Hendrix

Bob Dylan penned the original…but it was Hendrix finger fretting that would become synonymous with the tune…great cover…and even auld bob thought so: “I liked Jimi Hendrix’s record of this and ever since he died I’ve been doing it that way…Strange how when I sing it, I always feel it’s a tribute to him in some kind of way.”

2. Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley

Leonard Cohens and “the hallelujah of the orgasm” containing cheeky references…Jeff Buckley nailed it

3. Hey Joe – Jimi Hendrix

In Wroclaw on May 1, 2009, 6346 guitarists played the song in the same venue at the same time…Guinness World Record…and 5 people shat themselves when they discovered they left their ear plugs at home…

4. Hurt – Johnny Cash

I loved the accompanying video directed by Mark Romanek…won best video of the year by the Grammy Awards and Country Music Awards…NIN version is comparatively creepier

5. Take Me To The River – Talking Heads

117 on Rolling Stone magazine’s list of the 500 greatest songs of all time….Al Green penned original

6. Kick Out The Jams – Rage Against The Machine

RATM covered this MC5 classic on their 2000 covers album Renegade

7. Cocaine – Eric Clapton

Clapton has called the J.J. Cale song “quite cleverly anti-cocaine”…..so clever no one knows

8. The White Stripes – Jolene

dolly parton ditties

9. Nobody Does It Better – Radiohead

no one really does do it quite like Yorke and co.

10. Helter Skelter – U2

ye cant top The Beatles original for sheer shrieky delight…or over driven dementia…or Mcartney at top of vocal range stretchiness…or Ringos “ive got blisters on my fingers”…but bono and his clan do a good job in their own right

1. Primary Colours – The Horrors

despite what your gran said, The Horrors arnt a troupe of twigs wearing black body condoms..theyre actually pretty darn good as this album demonstrates…forget the naysayers…this reminds me of My Bloody Valentine crossed with Jesus and Mary chain…

2. Drag Me To Hell

well low and behold!..we can still have fun at the cinema?..yes…with something of artistic merit?…yes?..well blow me down..this will play best off a worn VHS to the soundtrack by Alice Cooper..complete with cheap effects and minted makeup…stay away from spiders Raimi

3. 4. 5. Surfer Rosa/Doolittle/Bossanova – Pixies

whats to say really? its unlikely the heights that Frank Black and co. reached will ever be reached again by any terrestrial being…amazing….excluding Trompe Le Monde because..well Im not sure it belongs here right now

Curb Your Enthusiasm/Black Books

I just love shows about self-centered, begrudging, misanthropic old misers…and who better than the king of them all Larry David…and we cant exclude Bernard Black…why was Black Books discontinued again?..damn you system!

It – Stephen King

having braved the TV movie (Tim Currey makes for a fucked up Pennywise..arnt clowns meant to make you laugh?) I finally jumped into the gargantuan book…sick cookies abound but great piece of writing

Daydream Nation – Sonic Youth

does this sound simple? Fuck you!
Are you for sale?
Does ‘Fuck you’ sound simple enough?

The Crying Light – Antony and the Johnsons

I must admit a soft spot for the 6’4” transvestite with voice of angel…not as direct as I Am a Bird Now…but every bit as beautiful

how do fairest reader? Class of 1984 here with another blog to warm thine cockles over…as was recently communicated via old and crusted inter web wires, we recently finished mixing and mastering some few tracks yonderin New Jersey…the auld US of A…and was very happy with the results too we do add…we shall be doing something soon with them for thine pleasure..so bear and stick with…in meantime we post another wee bloggy…this one about the TOP 10 HOTTEST FRONT WOMEN…and we are only counting those that come within our range of understanding…not Pink or Lady GaGA…i dont understand that level of innovation…so without further ado

1. Deborah Harry

Blondies uber cool merchant

2. Chrissie Hynde

once a guitarist in early british rock group Masters of the Backside, Chrissie had bigger things in mind…namely not being in a band that claimed to be proficient in arses

3. PJ Harvey

Producer Steve Albini claims she ate nothing but potatoes while
making the album Rid of Me

4. Siouxsie Sioux

Siouxsie made an early appearance with the Sex Pistols on Bill
Grundy’s television show in December 1976…In the course of Grundy’s
interview with the members of the Sex Pistols, the presenter tried to
flirt with her..leading Steve Jones to call him a “dirty
fucker”…much hysterical media bullshittery followed bolstering the
pistols further up the grassfuckers noses

5. Stevie Nicks

Lindsay Lohan once had an interest in buying the rights to Nicks’ life
story and developing a motion picture in which she planned to play the
lead role…Nicks responded in the New York Times with “Over my dead
body”…ah well

6. Brody Dalle

Josh Hommes other half

7. Karen O

Playboy once made an offer to her to pose on their cover…imagine that…Karen O in Playboy…im not sure it would work…then again she could wear a neon catsuit and flip flops for earrings and get all the guys gushing

8. Kate Bush

signed by EMI at the age of 16 after being recommended by Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour…you cant complete this list without her…

9. M.I.A.

real name Mathangi “Maya” Arulpragasam…a bit of a mouthful..this girl is all cool and then some

10. Paris Hilton

abrasive, uncompromising sound of the underground

….not bad eh? we are proud of this rowdy and raucous bit of cacophony thanky thee kindly and away

right onto the HOTTEST DEAD ROCK STARS….another Top 10…another dive into the recesses of trash culture…to stave off silly inclinations of learning anything worthwhile…ah yes…let us together bask in the warm radiance of nonsense…well tis not nonsense really if your into the practise of reverence…and who doesnt like to admire the great rock and rollas of years past…now long into the ground…to settle there first then spin endlessly when their music is covered by take that (are you fucking serious?)…in order to qualify for the TOP 10 HOTTEST DEAD ROCK STARS you must obviously be dead…and hot…which makes for a difficult choice considering the legacy of the rock ethos: live fast, die young, leave a good looking body…but anyways we will try our best..here goes

1. Jim Morrison 1943-1971

old Jimbo…you can keep your trouser snakes..this is the lizardking…no one was allowed to squeeze into a pair of leather trousers again in my book…sadly though, no one listened

2. Kurt Cobain 1967-1994

when you get past the whole twaddle about him being a reluctant spokesman for a generation and all that you get to the real ingredient of his fame: hotness!

3. Aaliyah 1979-2001

Aaliyah died when the aircraft she was traveling on crashed shortly after take off…the plane, packed with heavy filming equipment, was well beyond the standard weight and balance tolerance…this is damn shame..a superstar-in-waiting it seems

4. Michael Hutchence 1960–1997

poor Michael also took a fall from a height…unfortunately with a belt around his neck whilst masturbating…in a weird way it seems to add to his Dionysian sex god image

5. Sid Vicious 1957-1979

couldnt play bass…but hey…in the wise old words of Louie Walsh “you look good”

6. Jeff Buckley 1966-1997

I always found Jeff Buckleys death the strangest rock star death of them all…apparently he danced into Wolf River Harbour wearing all his clothes and singing “Whole Lotta Love” and never seen again until 4 days later on a riverboat….drowned….hmmm

7. John Lennon 1940-1980

favorite beatle? Lennon…Lennons death was nearly as bad as the film that was inspired by his death…Chapter 27..starring Jared Leto…..come on Jared…..ye dont win oscars for eating cakes…

10. Johnny Cash 1932-2003

the eternal outlaw himself…Cash is ugly in a good looking way…and that makes sense in a nonsensical way..come on…you know what I mean